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Finger Lakes Mountain Bike Club, 54 A Hoffman Street, Elmira, New York 14905 USA 607-733-6798
Tandem Team at the Saloon
A tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the
locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were. When they finished
their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.
They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above
his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?" he yelled with surprising
forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN'T BACK
OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE
DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and
start to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did
happen in Texas?"
The captain turned back and said, "We had to walk home."
A tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the
locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were. When they finished
their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.
They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above
his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?" he yelled with surprising
forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN'T BACK
OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE
DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and
start to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did
happen in Texas?"
The captain turned back and said, "We had to walk home."
Devout Cyclist
A devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. Cyclist askes if
there are bicycles in heaven. Peter says "Sure, let me show you," and leads the guy into the
finest Velodrome you can imagine.
"This is great," the cyclist says. "You will love it here" says Peter. "You will be fitted a
custom track bike, the mechanics will glue on fresh silks each night, and your personal
masseuse is always available." As they speak a blur flys by them on the boards riding a
gold plated Cinelli and the cyclist says "Wow he was fast, that must be Eddy Merck!"
"No," says Peter, "that was God, he only thinks he's Eddy".
A devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. Cyclist askes if
there are bicycles in heaven. Peter says "Sure, let me show you," and leads the guy into the
finest Velodrome you can imagine.
"This is great," the cyclist says. "You will love it here" says Peter. "You will be fitted a
custom track bike, the mechanics will glue on fresh silks each night, and your personal
masseuse is always available." As they speak a blur flys by them on the boards riding a
gold plated Cinelli and the cyclist says "Wow he was fast, that must be Eddy Merck!"
"No," says Peter, "that was God, he only thinks he's Eddy".
You Know You're Addicted To Cycling When...
Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you
ask if you have a choice between presta and schrader.
A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.
You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within
your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
The funeral director tells you "NO!" you can't ride your Cannondale in
the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.
You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a
five-hour century on Saturday.
AND the number-one reason you know you're addicted to bicycling...
You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you
ask if you have a choice between presta and schrader.
A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.
You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within
your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
The funeral director tells you "NO!" you can't ride your Cannondale in
the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.
You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a
five-hour century on Saturday.
AND the number-one reason you know you're addicted to bicycling...
You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
Border Crossing
A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a
guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
"Get them off. We need to take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but
sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A
week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The
guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but
sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist
failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in
the city.
"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us
wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border.
So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"
The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"
A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a
guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
"Get them off. We need to take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but
sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A
week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The
guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but
sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist
failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in
the city.
"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us
wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border.
So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"
The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"
Nuns on Bikes
Mother Superior is sitting quietly in the convent garden when her
prayers are interrupted by a heated argument between two nuns. She
listens for a few minutes, but when it becomes apparent that they
won't come to their own solution she closes her book and walks over
to them.
"I've heard enough!" she snaps. "Sister Mary, you may have the
bicycle Tuesday and Thursday mornings from nine to noon. Sister
Catherine, you may have the bicycle Monday and Wednesday
afternoons from one to four. Now not another word or I'll put the seat
back on!"
Mother Superior is sitting quietly in the convent garden when her
prayers are interrupted by a heated argument between two nuns. She
listens for a few minutes, but when it becomes apparent that they
won't come to their own solution she closes her book and walks over
to them.
"I've heard enough!" she snaps. "Sister Mary, you may have the
bicycle Tuesday and Thursday mornings from nine to noon. Sister
Catherine, you may have the bicycle Monday and Wednesday
afternoons from one to four. Now not another word or I'll put the seat
back on!"
A Nerd, A Nude and a Bike
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an
incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get
such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She
threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have
fit."
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an
incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get
such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She
threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have
fit."
Cobblestones
Two Dutch women are cycling into town to do some shopping. Since its a really rare
nice day (being Holland), one of the women suggests they take a longer, more
scenic route over some old cobbled lanes. After a few kilometers, one of the
women says "Oh my, this is really nice. I've never come this way before!." In reply,
the other woman says "Yeah, its the cobblestones."
Two Dutch women are cycling into town to do some shopping. Since its a really rare
nice day (being Holland), one of the women suggests they take a longer, more
scenic route over some old cobbled lanes. After a few kilometers, one of the
women says "Oh my, this is really nice. I've never come this way before!." In reply,
the other woman says "Yeah, its the cobblestones."
1. Going Deaf
A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.
"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike
half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone
deaf!"
A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.
"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike
half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone
deaf!"
Pig! Pig!
The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting,
mountain road. Then along comes a woman who was driving very
slowly uphill toward me, honking her horn and shouting at me.
"PIG! PIG!!" she yelled. "PIG! PIG!!"
So I flipped her the finger and shouted back some things I dare not
repeat as I buzzed by her.
Still thinking about this awful woman and her shouting, I turned the
corner and promptly collided with a pig.
The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting,
mountain road. Then along comes a woman who was driving very
slowly uphill toward me, honking her horn and shouting at me.
"PIG! PIG!!" she yelled. "PIG! PIG!!"
So I flipped her the finger and shouted back some things I dare not
repeat as I buzzed by her.
Still thinking about this awful woman and her shouting, I turned the
corner and promptly collided with a pig.
Two Nerds on a Tandem
Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on
the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the
tires.
The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"
The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I
wanted to lower it a bit."
So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his
own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.
Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you
doing?" he asks his friend.
"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid
stuff like that, I'm going home!!"
Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on
the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the
tires.
The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"
The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I
wanted to lower it a bit."
So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his
own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.
Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you
doing?" he asks his friend.
"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid
stuff like that, I'm going home!!"
The Pedestrian and the Cyclist
A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and
promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.
"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.
"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on
the pavement, rubbing his head.
"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.
A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and
promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.
"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.
"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on
the pavement, rubbing his head.
"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.
A Tough Climb on a Tandem
Jack and Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the Alps
on their tandem.
"Phew, that was a tough climb" said Jack, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb
was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."
"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jill, "or we'd have slid all the way back
down!"
Jack and Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the Alps
on their tandem.
"Phew, that was a tough climb" said Jack, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb
was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."
"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jill, "or we'd have slid all the way back
down!"
Interstate Highway
It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door was thrown open and an Interstate highway strode in.
"I'm an Inter- state highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a
median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm afraid of
no highway and no road."
He then strode up to the bar, ordered a beer, and began drinking it, while looking around.
A short time later, a four-lane highway came in, went to the end of the bar, and ordered a beer.
The Interstate looked him over and walked over to him. "I'm an Interstate highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to
coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any
highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."
The four-lane highway said "I agree that you're the best. I don't want any trouble with you. Let me buy you a beer", and he did.
They drank their beers and discussed their engineering specifications.
After a half hour, the door opened again and a two-lane road came in, went to the other end of the bar, and ordered a beer.
The Interstate looked him over and told the four-lane highway that he had to take care of the new arrival. He walked over to
the two-lane road and said "I'm an Interstate highway. I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders,
and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not
afraid of you."
The two-lane road quivered a bit and said "You're absolutely right. You are the best of the highways. I'm just a lowly two-lane
road. I don't want any trouble. Can I buy beers for you and the four-lane highway?"
The Interstate motioned the four-lane highway to come over, the two-lane road bought beers for each of them, and the three
of them drank their beers and discussed the merits of various paving materials.
After another half hour, the door opened again and a strip of asphalt about eight feet wide came in. The Interstate highway
ducked behind the bar and hid there quivering quietly.
The bartender was shocked.
After serving the asphalt strip, he walked over to where the Interstate was hiding. "I watched you stand up to the four-lane
highway and the two-lane road. You said you weren't afraid of any highway or road. Why are you hiding from that little asphalt
strip?"
The Interstate replied quietly, "It's true that I'm not afraid of any highway or road, but he's a cycle path."
It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door was thrown open and an Interstate highway strode in.
"I'm an Inter- state highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a
median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm afraid of
no highway and no road."
He then strode up to the bar, ordered a beer, and began drinking it, while looking around.
A short time later, a four-lane highway came in, went to the end of the bar, and ordered a beer.
The Interstate looked him over and walked over to him. "I'm an Interstate highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to
coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any
highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."
The four-lane highway said "I agree that you're the best. I don't want any trouble with you. Let me buy you a beer", and he did.
They drank their beers and discussed their engineering specifications.
After a half hour, the door opened again and a two-lane road came in, went to the other end of the bar, and ordered a beer.
The Interstate looked him over and told the four-lane highway that he had to take care of the new arrival. He walked over to
the two-lane road and said "I'm an Interstate highway. I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders,
and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not
afraid of you."
The two-lane road quivered a bit and said "You're absolutely right. You are the best of the highways. I'm just a lowly two-lane
road. I don't want any trouble. Can I buy beers for you and the four-lane highway?"
The Interstate motioned the four-lane highway to come over, the two-lane road bought beers for each of them, and the three
of them drank their beers and discussed the merits of various paving materials.
After another half hour, the door opened again and a strip of asphalt about eight feet wide came in. The Interstate highway
ducked behind the bar and hid there quivering quietly.
The bartender was shocked.
After serving the asphalt strip, he walked over to where the Interstate was hiding. "I watched you stand up to the four-lane
highway and the two-lane road. You said you weren't afraid of any highway or road. Why are you hiding from that little asphalt
strip?"
The Interstate replied quietly, "It's true that I'm not afraid of any highway or road, but he's a cycle path."
